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Stepfamilies are complicated. Often the parents haven't lived together before and the youngsters find themselves with a new parent and possibly new siblings. But stepfamily life can be happy and harmonious - if you think ahead.
Clarifying roles and rules
Ideally you and your partner should have agreed the roles you're going to play and the rules you want to live by, before you move in together. Whether you're resident or non-resident parents, it's the birth parent that will hold the key position of authority and responsibility.
You're the link between the children and the step-parent and will be the one that everyone turns to for guidance. But as the adults in the house, the two of you need to ensure the home runs as smoothly as possible. Take some time as a couple to consider the following:
- How will you manage the relationships with Ex's? How will you manage your time, including time together, time alone with your children, alone with individual children, with other stepchildren and time as a family?
- What rules do you want to have about mealtimes, bedtimes, tidiness, housework, homework, going out, TV watching, pocket money and so on?
- How will you organise the rooms in the family home so everyone feels they have their own space? Who will be responsible for discipline and how will it be handled? How will you manage finances?
- What arrangements will you make for visiting stepchildren and other extended family?
- What will you do about special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas?
The importance of clear communication
Once you've taken the time as a couple to work through the issues raised above you need to agree how you'll communicate this to the children. It's essential that wherever possible, children feel they also have a say in how the house should be run. So, for example, if you think it would be a good idea for two children to share a room, talk to them about it first and include them in the planning.
Be honest and open with children when discussing areas that you know may cause difficulties. If it's particularly difficult with a visiting ex or finances are strained, then acknowledge this in language appropriate for the child's age. Kids hate feeling they have to act like everything's OK when blatantly it isn't.
Consistency is key Whatever rules you agree, it's absolutely essential that the two adults in the home are consistent. There may be different rules in the other parent's household and that's OK, but within yours there should be no doubt whatsoever where children stand. It's always the adults in the home who create the atmosphere, so if the two of you are arguing, angry, sulking or indifferent that atmosphere will spread.
Be ready to change
Whatever type of family you live in, life never stands still. Therefore it's important that you're ready to adapt to the changing needs of your family. As children grow up, rules often need to change. And as relationships with step-parents and siblings develop, families may need new roles. Some families find it beneficial to schedule in a regular family meeting to allow everyone to express their concerns, explore solutions and plan for the future.
By Paula Hall
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