How to help your child cope with your divorce or separation.
As we all know, up to one in three of all children will spend part of their childhood being brought up by a single parent, the majority of these children being of divorced parents. So, how do you help your children to cope with that separation? From toddlers to teenagers, most children of divorced parents feel some degree of blame when their parents split up. They may think that if they had kept their rooms tidier, helped around the house more, not been such a nuisance, or just good more often, then their parents would not have split up. If you are a single parent due to divorce or separation, your child wil most likely go through the same stages of grief that affect us adults when we lose someone.
These stages are generally recognised as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You may also see other emotions from your child – sadness, shock, feeling abandoned, and maybe even shame. As a parent, we all need to help our children cope with and understand these feelings. Your child may even regress to earlier childhood behaviours, such as moodiness, poor school performance, and aggressiveness. You child may demand more of your attention; maybe even test you to see if you are also going to leave them. These behaviours will all come naturally to your child, and even though you will also be going through a tough time, it is important to acknowledge and assist your child to deal with these feelings. So, how do you help your child to feel secure, loved and lose the fear caused by one parent leaving?
- Show your child that you are there for them, listen to their concerns, and let them express their fears. Show your child that you can be trusted, make sure you are always on time to pick them up.
- Make sure your child always knows where you are, and how they can reach you. They probably won’t need to, but they have a ‘security blanket’ of knowing that you are available.
Stick to a routine
- Keep to your regular routine – or if you need to make changes, discuss this with them, let them think that they are involved in decisions. Be consistent about your rules
- Allow them time – make sure you have time each day to talk, and have fun together.
Try to maintain contact with the other parent
- Try to ensure that your child maintains contact with their other parent, talk (not bitterly!) about them, and ensure your child has a photo of them Encourage your child to maintain that contact – they may feel resentment against the parent who has left, but with the right support, that resentment should be short-lived.
- DO NOT expect your child to take sides, or tell tales on the other parent – you don’t want them to feel caught in the middle of your battles.
Make access visits a positive good time
- Make sure you and your child are ready for the visits. Pack loved toys and clothing for the visit. Be civil to the other parent – do not use this time to air grievances, or talk about your issues - this is your childs time. Be flexible if changes need to be made to the visit times / days. Explain to your child why changes have had to be made and reassure them when the next visit will be.
- Do not stop your child from seeing their other parent, just to get at your ex.
Keep boosting our child confidence.
- Spend time together, having fun, playing, and laughing. Immerse your child in family life, talk to them about plans, ask for their views. Give plenty of thanks and praise to your child.
- Show them how much you love them, you don’t have to give them enough for two – but make sure they know that you love them – totally!
All of these tips should help your child to cope with the trauma of separation. BUT you should also remember that your child will also look to see how you are coping too. Make sure you look after yourself as well. A lone parent family can be happy, successful and complete. Your positive attitude, willingness to ‘get on’ with the other parent, and plenty of good times with your child will help them cope with this major change and any others that life may later throw at them.
Good luck
co.uk
|
