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Becoming a stepparent
There is no job description for the role of stepparent – it can be a daunting and exciting thought – here is some advice to try to make the transition an easier one.
When you start a relationship with someone who already has children, you are taking on a package deal. There are no set rules on how much you get involved with your partners ready-made family. Much will depend on whether they live with you, if you have children of your own, if the natural parent is still around, and what you and your partner decide.
Listen to your feelings.
A new stepparent will feel great pressure to not only get on well with their new partners children, but to love them too. But in the real world, it may be impossible to ever love a stepchild as if it were your own. This may leave stepparents with feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Listen to these feelings, but do give yourself time to enable a relationship to develop (both ways).
If you already have your own children, you may feel split between their needs and those of your partners’ children. All children may feel some concern that your new partner will take the love you have for them away. Make sure you give them plenty of reassurance and help them to understand that going from a single parent family to a two parent family is a great (and positive) thing.
Ensure that they understand that if they find themselves liking your new partner, this will not mean that they care for the natural parent any less.
Additional challenges for step mums.
For new step mums who do not already have children of their own, it can be quite a shock to become a ‘parent’ overnight. Most parents have at least 9 months of planning and preparation when becoming parents. If you do already have children of your own, you may find it difficult to slip into the parenting of your new stepchildren easily. Make sure you have plenty of support from your partner, and other family and fiends.
Additional challenges for step dads
Becoming a step dad may not only mean a change by suddenly being responsible for your partners children, you may have also had the upheaval of moving to your partners home, and perhaps still feeling like a guest sometimes.
You may also feel that whilst you are responsible practically and financially for your new family, you are doing this with little power and even less appreciation (certainly from the kids)
If you already had a family of your own, you may feel guilty that you are spending more time with your stepchildren that your own. And they may feel resentment towards you – feeling that you will never be able to replace their ‘real’ dad.
Tips on getting on better together.
Whatever else, you will definitely need to retain your sense of humour. Have realistic expectations of our new family life.
- Try to agree clear roles and responsibilities with your partner, and discuss the big things like discipline, bedtimes etc. (see Clarifying roles and rules)
- Present a united front to the children.
- Develop the relationship with your stepchildren by spending time alone with them perhaps just doing things that they enjoy.
- Also encourage the children to spend time alone with your partner, and maintain existing contact with their other parent.
- Don’t take their negative feelings too personally, they may be rebelling against the idea of a ‘new’ parent, rather than you personally.
- Try also to maintain some of your personal space – do the things that you enjoy too, you can share these hobbies with your new family as this will help them get to know you better.
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